Define love, sex...keep it clean it is Valentine's Day

[isabel]

Hi everyone,

I was having this discussion with Proeyes in another thread. Thought we would make it a thread of its own. I don't know how to bring the discussion here by linking...so I will cut it paste...or see if admin can help me here.

Izzy

[isabel]

Okay,...no help yet. In the Can't you just ignore...thread. We were discussing what makes a good marriage. I said Partnership and Compromise. Others posted their thoughts on it.

We left off with...Partnership, Compromise, Sex, Love.

Some feel Sex is very important. Then we started defining what is sex...does sex: intimacy. Or is sex: sex. Is it defined both ways and one will destroy a marriage and the other hold it together?

Does sex top the list in making a good marriage? Or does Love, partnership and compromise?

Izzy

[isabel]

Ahhhh...a shame...Valentine's Day and no one wants to discuss Love, Marriage, and sex.

My hubby and I have been married 28+ years. Been together since 1976. That is a long time. And then again it just seems like yesterday. We fell in love, fought, argued and fell in love again. Raised kids, fought financial ruin, argued, agreed to disagree, and fell in love again. We have been through many changes through the years. Boy! Do we look different now.

We love each other and yes that includes sex...everything in balance. When the kids let us. That is another topic all together. How do you get the kids to sleep in their own beds. Shhhhh! it's only a queen size and either hubby or I end up on the couch and the kids get the bed:)

Izzy

[ProEye]

Originally Posted by isabel

Been married 28 years. The secret is partnership and compromise.

Izzy

The key is good sex.

[MyAzi]

Originally Posted by ProEye

The key is good sex.

I can promise you good sex doesn't make a good marriage!!!!

[NHYRNUT]

Originally Posted by MyAzi

I can promise you good sex doesn't make a good marriage!!!!

Ya I'd take the good sex over marriage any day. LOL

[ProEye]

Originally Posted by MyAzi

I can promise you good sex doesn't make a good marriage!!!!

Why?

[isabel]

Well, I can see us heading down another interesting path...Love, sex, partnership, and compromise are all parts of a marriage...but sex will not get you through the hard times. The other three will.

Izzy

[ProEye]

Originally Posted by isabel

Well, I can see us heading down another interesting path...Love, sex, partnership, and compromise are all parts of a marriage...but sex will not get you through the hard times. The other three will.

Izzy

Yes, it will! I think we downplay intimacy as it if it should be last on the list as if marriage is all about being good friends. I think we are talking about similar things but given that you are woman, I bet we are talking about different approaches. Love is one thing but I think two people still need to have close, intimate contact with each other than just touch. Hugging only goes so far and I think sex is important for both species.

I think the reason we have so many divorces in this country is because we are selfish nowadays, only thinking of ourselves. We don't know how to nurture that intimacy so that it lasts. Seems like once that hot, steamy attraction is over we tend to think about ending our relationships. Sure you can have a marriage that does not involve any intimacy whatsoever, but I think healthy, normal relationships involve intimacy and that means SEX.

Okay, maybe we should start up a new thread that says "ADULTS ONLY". But I don't know, the kids see the family dog getting a thrill now and then and although they don't know what's really going on, talking about this probably doesn't change the equation much. "What's sex, mommy?" "Uhhhhhhhh... I don't know--ASK YOUR FATHER!"

[MyAzi]

Originally Posted by ProEye

Why?

Because I was in a marriage and that was the Only thing that was good about it. We divorced.

[isabel]

Originally Posted by ProEye

Yes, it will! I think we downplay intimacy as it if it should be last on the list as if marriage is all about being good friends. I think we are talking about similar things but given that you are woman, I bet we are talking about different approaches. Love is one thing but I think two people still need to have close, intimate contact with each other than just touch. Hugging only goes so far and I think sex is important for both species.

Okay...I think I see a confusion here. You're using the word sex and you are defining it as intimacy. I use the word love and define it as intimacy. To many men...sex has nothing to do with intimacy...they see sex as entertainment...one night stand. So not knowing the type of man you are...I could view your use of the word sex in two different ways.

There may be women who also see it as entertainment. But I think most would define it as Love: intimacy: sex

Help out here folks...how do you define Sex, Love...keep it clean please. No xxxxrated versions. After all it is Valentines day.

Izzy

[deeptrance]

There is one way in which I agree with ProEye. Sex does sustain relationships. The example MyAzi gave of her marriage is an example that supports part of what I think ProEye is saying --- the divorce would have happened a lot sooner, and it's possible the marriage would never have occurred in the first place, if the sex hadn't been good.

Where I think I disagree with ProEye (if I'm understanding him) is that relationships that are held together by the glue of good sex are generally VERY BAD RELATIONSHIPS! They damage the soul, they're not truly intimate, you're basically stuck with a f**k-buddy and that's the loneliest, most painful thing imaginable. I've been in a relationship like that and all I associate with it is pain, endless suffering because of the distance between us. The sex was great partly because it was such a relief from the pain of not being connected in any other way. We longed for each other yet somehow couldn't connect except physically.

The opposite extreme is a marriage of best friends who have lost their sexual intimacy. That is also very painful to one or both partners unless there is mutual agreement that neither wants a sexual relationship. But it's usually not mutual, it's often a case of one person feeling constantly rejected by the other in spite of a wonderful companionship on other levels.

A good marriage requires balancing all aspects of the relationship in a mutually satisfying and life-affirming way that enhances each person's life and leads to joy and a healthier, happier experience of being in the world.

[deeptrance]

Originally Posted by isabel

Love, Sex, define..

Or: "If you have sex without love, den you pay define!"


You may now ban me for posting stupid puns.

[isabel]

Hey did you just change your post deeptrance. I read a post here that was very good from you...just a few minutes ago. You should have left it.:)

Izzy

[isabel]

Originally Posted by ProEye

Okay, maybe we should start up a new thread that says "ADULTS ONLY". But I don't know, the kids see the family dog getting a thrill now and then and although they don't know what's really going on, talking about this probably doesn't change the equation much. "What's sex, mommy?" "Uhhhhhhhh... I don't know--ASK YOUR FATHER!"

Kids react to what we react too. If they see something adult rated and I can't stop it...I don't make a big deal out of it. I just move on and answer questions as they come up.

But back to the topic of marriage and what makes a marriage last. I think...knowing your partner is not perfect and don't try to change them. So many people marry each other thinking well...I can change that about a person...and then they will be perfect for me. If it registered that it was a problem...then don't get married until it is solved...or don't get married.

Izzy

[cleozmom]

My take in that what makes a good marriage is; love and the ability to share it, compromise and respect.

While I don't hold sex as high on the list as I used to in years past, I still feel it's an important part in the top five. Can you have a good relationship without it? Sure. Can you have a bad realtionship with it? Yep.

I feel that both men and women look at sex as intimacy in extreme relationships. I know of a few times when something emotional has happened in my husband's life, he wanted the intimacy of sex. Many men reach out that way.

To address what Izzy said, I think in it's own way sex can get you through rough times. Along with being an intimate act, it's also of release that one could otherwise be filled with pent up frustrations that could then revert to being exhausted in other means; fighting, drinking, depression, self-esteems issues and possible dissention of realtionships.

Just my two cents

[isabel]

You know you're right cleozmom...now that I think about it. Stressful times...does often equal more intimacy...Men do reach out that way...as you said.

In fact I think I agree with everything you said.:) I just realized I agreed without agruing a point. I have to check tea, see what is in it.

Izzy

[cleozmom]

Originally Posted by isabel

You know you're right cleozmom...now that I think about it. Stressful times...does often equal more intimacy...Men do reach out that way...as you said.

In fact I think I agree with everything you said.:) I just realized I agreed without agruing a point. I have to check tea, see what is in it.

Izzy